I love how apparently Sunday is not only funday but also blogday for me! I don't mean to only blog on Sundays, but something about the lack of corporate worship in my life, the ending of a weekend, the beginning of a week brings about something in me that longs to reach out to the world through my little corner of the blogosphere.

So, hello world!

For those of you who don't know, my life of faith has taken a topsy turvy road this past year. I'm quickly approaching the ripe old age of 29, and for my intents and purposes that's practically 30. So I'm beginning to think about my life and what and who I want to be and what I want to be doing. I feel like when you're young, 30 is definitely the age that you want to have everything figured out by, but I'm not entirely sure that any of us ever have it all figured out.

So, I think my changing faith can be summed up in a thought I had today. I was looking at this trash can that I decapaged (yes, I decapaged a trash can) in college. On the trash can is a snippet out of a magazine that says "The cross: Just a symbol in youth culture. You will make it relevant again." And very quickly my mind went to the question of, "What is the meaning of the cross?" "Do I know its true meaning now? Did I really know its true meaning then?"

And I really think I'm getting to the heart of what this Christianity thing is more now than I ever did before. I mean, I fell deeply in love with Jesus 12 years ago, and I'd love to go back to that "new love" feeling in my faith.

But then I fell into the ways of living out that love that have become popular in middle class America. I bought the Jesus junk (at one point my guitar strap was covered with lapel pins). I did the retreats and the Sunday school. I wrote Jesus love songs while sitting on my bed. I read the Bible as if it were written just for me and for my life. There is something so sweet about new love.

But I think that living and searching for that "sweet spot" for 12 years (kind of like chasing the feeling of the first time you take a drug), led me to a faith that was somewhat stagnant. I don't know, I believed and still believe all the same things, but in that place I was doing these things because that's what Christians did. And I did them with little questioning.

And I even sought out a career working for a church. It made perfect sense to me, since I love Jesus and love music, that I should become a church music director. And I was a good church worker.

I haven't talked much about this in this blog, but I was a good church worker. I played the games, and I didn't speak up or question things. I was very diplomatic. I was a good employee. I was quiet and supportive. I was friendly and a cheerleader. Clearly I didn't do everything perfectly because I lost that job this past year.

But because of this I have learned how far the structured church of America has gotten away from the early Christian church. It doesn't matter how much we say we're not competing with other churches, we are. It's human nature. We want the best programs, and we want notoriety. And if our feelings are hurt, or things aren't done the way we want them to be, we start our own church.

We appoint our leaders, and we follow them as if they were God Himself. And sometimes we're given our leaders in some denominations, and we follow them as if God Himself had physically placed them in the church building.

And if we don't follow our leaders, we find others who don't follow them, and we build up a little resistance until there is so much bitterness that the church is no longer a moving body, but a country club or a Kiwanis club or something. Might as well be playing bunco with the ladies on Sunday morning.

Let me interject here and say that Kiwanis clubs and the like do wonderful work, I'm just spouting off at the mouth right now and am trying to think of organizations that are more social than spiritual. I've played bunco, and somewhat enjoyed it. :)

I'm working to keep myself in check during this time in my life. I no longer go to church on Sunday mornings, and sometimes I feel like I should. I acknowledge the bit of selfishness that is involved in staying in bed until 2:00 on a Sunday. On the other hand, getting dressed up and schmoozing and acting "like a Christian" among people I'm trying to impress doesn't seem like a good way to worship God to me.

So, I have my book group. We've been a bit out of it recently because of fundraising and sicknesses, but when we meet regularly, we have the potential to become what the early church was. We don't argue. We have no leaders, we just talk about living the Christian life. We talk about matters of theology. We care for each other, and are reaching out to those around us. We bring ourselves and our imperfections together, and we even laugh about them.

My faith is shifting from something I do in structure to something I live out publically. I'm working to maintain my love affair with my Maker. And I talk to Him daily. I trust that He will sift out this mess of a life and put me in the place where I should be. While He does, I'm holding on tight.

Sometimes I get in the mood where I just want to write. It normally comes when I'm listening to music, and I want to be able to pack such _______ into 3 minutes of rhythm and melody. Fill in the blank, such humor, such truth, such fun, such anger.

I haven't written music in a really long time. I've played around with the musical that I'm writing, but haven't written a song song since probably the song I wrote for Zach which was almost two years ago. I don't know if I've ever taken a break this long before!

I had an interesting revelation last night, that I'm sure I stole from Shane Claiborne. My roommate and I were talking about politics and health care and marriage rights, and I said that we as Christian Americans depend on the government to do what the church should do. I know that we don't live in a perfect world. Quite far from it, actually. But the early Christians definitely didn't depend on the government to meet their needs because they were part of a much larger and long lasting kingdom.

Why do we expect the government to pay for our health care when The Church should do it? I know I'm living in a fantasy world by thinking this way, but I think that's how the Church- the Body is supposed to function in this way. The Church is a living, breathing body, Christ's hands and feet in this world, but we don't even care about each other. How can we love the world when we gnaw at our own arms and legs?

I don't think that we, as American Christians, really have any concept of the church universal. We know our Baptist/Methodist/Presbyterian church, and we know their leaders and the programs that they have, and which church has the best childcare program, and which church has the most eligible bachelors, but we think little of being the functioning body that we're called to be.

As Claiborne quotes in his book, when Jesus comes back he's coming for a bride, not a harem.

"I'm dangerously romantic when the leaves are coming down
When the air was clear this morning and the frost still on the ground
When I wore those cozy woolen gloves to bicycle into town
Well of course I'd want to fall in love
and finally settle down
But I'm dangerous
So be careful with me,
Cause I could fall for you
much too easily.
I'm usually cool,
I like to be free
But I'm dangerous right now
Be careful with me.

Dangerous by David Wilcox

What is it about this season? I guess my previous relationships have all begun in October, and there's some feeling about the time change and driving home with the heat on that makes me feel like I should be beginning something new and exciting.

I love fall. It all reminds me of being in high school and wearing thermal and flannel and falling leaves.

But the last few years it's always been a bit depressing when it starts getting dark at 5:00 and you feel like you can't get anything done in the evenings because it's dark outside.

And sometimes I just want to be dangerous with someone.

Last night I had a blast, watching scary movies with my good friend Rich and his friends. I found myself driving home a familiar path in the rain with my heat on. It was good to have that familiar feeling with a different reason, to have just enjoyed a night with a group of guys, most of whom I had never met.

I realize that all of this is very rambly, but maybe you can understand this feeling of wanting to be dangerous, of being glad that the past is the past, of falling in love more and more with each changing season.