State of the Date Address
My Fellow Single Female Americans:
In the course of human events, it comes to our attention that we find ourselves in a simliar state. We are in our mid to late twenties, we are single, and we are tired of seeing so many of our friends in wedded bliss while we continue to struggle as singles in a world clearly designed for couples.
There are many solutions to our aforementioned problem. We can simply give up. Some of us have resigned ourselves to single home ownership and a life of feline companionship. Others among us have lowered our standards, seeking out the attention of anyone with male organs regardless of their creed, social status, or the way they treat women. Some have been incredibly lucky in love, but unlucky in longterm monogomous relationships. We float from relationship to relationship under the false pretenses presented to us via Jerry McGuire, just waiting for the one who will complete us.
Finally, some of us have done things our parents always warned us not to. We have met men in bars, gone on blind dates, and subjected ourselves to the personal turmoil that is internet dating.
When we enter the internet dating field, we think to ourselves that this is a good idea. We decide that we can have a scientific system tell us who is compatible with us, and that we can find wedded bliss easily, and sometimes, freely.
Sometimes, we pay out the nose for this service, believing that the more expensive a service is, the more likely it is to work. We join services like Yahoo! Personals, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, Match.Com, Chemistry.Com, EHarmony, and Isn'ttheretheperfectguyoutthereformesomewhere.com.
As single American women, we do not ask for much, but what we seek is nonexistant. I am making out a call to all single men. Please come out from your hiding places. Escape from your caves, your proverbial woodwork, your crevices and your shelters. It is a safe world out here. We will not hurt you, we simply want to drag you into a longterm monogamous relationship.
Here's all we ask:
Please share our beliefs. If we are looking for a man with similar religious beliefs, do not assume that we will want to date you if you do not share them. We are lonely. We are not desperate. Emailing us when we have made it clear that we are looking for someone who shares our beliefs just shows us that you don't care what we believe, or perhaps more accurately, that you haven't read our profile.
Don't tell us that we have a beautiful smile. Don't tell us that we're the most attractive girl you've ever seen. Don't tell us that we fell from heaven, or that we're tired because we've been running through your mind all day. We see through it. We're lonely. We're not stupid. We know that you send that same email to everyone.
We do not want for you to describe yourself as attractive. Please don't use a name like HotGuyLookingforYou. If you're attractive, then we will tell you. If you know that you're attractive, then you're not really attractive. I know this is all very confusing to you, we'll explain it when given the chance.
Please do not use American Slang when writing an online profile. If your profile says something like "im a hot guy lookin for all da single ladies", I'm probably not going to look anymore.
All women are looking for someone different. And this, men, is good news. The statements I have made above are fairly general for all women. Specifically, I implore any single men who are: tall, lanky, artsy but straight, musical, preferably with messy hair, intelligent, funny, and most importantly Christian, to contact me.
These traits are not set in stone, but if you find that you fit into the majority of these categories, please contact me at prn2wndr.blogspot.com.
Mostly, men, I implore you to stand up tall and proud of who you are. Women are a smarter breed than you may expect. The State of the Date is sad, my friends, but with your help, we can pull it out of its dismal existance and bring it back to the light.
Sincerely,
President of All-Things Date-Like
posted by Emmaline @ 11:26 PM
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