To Those Who Are Thinking of Leaving-

There are some random days in my life that make me strangely nostalgic, and Super Bowl Sunday is one of those days.

I remember watching a Super Bowl in a bean bag chair as a kid, I remember watching it at a Baptist church in college (where they turned it off for all the beer ads), I remember watching it at Jason's house in college during the infamous "wardrobe malfunction", and I remember watching it six years ago.

This weekend is always significant for me, and as I stopped to get gas tonight at what has become my neighborhood gas station all of those memories came flooding back to me.

Six years ago this weekend, I was a wide eyed, eager, ready to get started, recent grad from college, and I was driving to northern Virginia to interview for another job as a church musician. I had driven to Georgia, Kentucky, and interviewed over the phone in places from Michigan to Texas. In many ways, this was just another interview, and I had gotten used to those.

What would I say to that girl at 24? I was thinking a lot tonight about what I would have done at that time if I knew all that was going to happen during these six years. Would I have turned around and high tailed it back to my North Carolina roots? What if I told myself that in the next six years I would-

Have six different roommates
Have four different jobs (one of them twice)
Date, fall in love, and have my heart broken
Question most everything I had always known to be true
Move three different times
Lose one of my best friends
Gain countless more
Reconnect with one of my dear friends from high school
Experience one of the darkest times in my life
Grow to know myself so much better than I ever did before


In these six years I have met so many people that it's hard to imagine my life without. Six years ago tonight I watched part of the game at Sarah's house in Baltimore and then we drove around and listened to my XM radio that she had just bought me. Six years ago, I stopped at what has become my neighborhood gas station, having no clue that six years later I would stop there again, as just another stop in my everyday life.

If I had told myself six years ago that I would no longer be working for the church, and have no more desire to do so, I probably would have stayed in North Carolina and continued to look for work. Why would a recent graduate with a degree in church music want to move somewhere knowing that in six years she would be a full time nanny only using her music degree in community theater?

I'm glad I didn't know all of that then because I have to admit that I'm pretty happy with who I am. I've done dumb things, but I'm happy with where I am because of those things.

Am I better for these past six years? Sometimes the doubt comes into my mind that moving here was a mistake, that the growing pains I have experienced couldn't possibly be part of a Divine plan.

But, if these six years have taught me anything, it's to do the best with what you've got, to lean on those you love (and who love you back), and that there's always a way out.

If you're thinking of leaving, listen to six years saying to you "if it works out, do it. You will be stretched and pulled. You will grieve and celebrate. But you won't be the same."

So, I guess I'm writing this blog for Abbey, who wants me to write more. So Abbey, a glketa (present) for you.

I've been thinking a lot about life and death recently. I don't really think it's possible to go through life with a complete understanding of our mortality. I think that kind of understanding would drive a person crazy. I mean, maybe we catch glimpses of it, but overall, I think we're all in a huge state of denial. I remember one summer night at home when I was in college, lying in bed and just completely reaching the edges of my understanding of mortality and eternity. Finally, the most peaceful thought I could conclude was that if I believe in a god Who made the universe, and I trust Him to keep the earth on its axis, and I trust Him to keep things moving as He has for an infinite number of years, then I have to trust Him with eternity itself.

Recently, I was driving home and thinking about one of the children I have taught. I was thinking about how the kids who I taught as preschoolers are now in 3rd grade, and soon, they will be in high school, graduating, and having children of their own. I was thinking about my sweet surrogate niece, and how I wonder so much what she will be like when she is older.

But one day, she will be older. And then their will be new babies for me to wonder and dream about. Until eventually, it's all over for me and there's no more babies to watch grow up, and there's no more hopes or dreams to see fulfilled on the earth.

And then, eternity.

Hmmm......
It's been awhile since I've written, but I'm definitely feeling the need to decompress a bit as I wind down for sleep on this Wednesday night.

I feel like I could go a few directions with this post. I could speak more about my theological views, about how, as I told a friend recently, I'm very middle of the road on most every theological issue. How I think I'm OK with that, although it scares me.

But I think I'm going to tell you tonight how incredibly grateful I am at times. Sometimes I look at my life, and I see such disrepair. Sometimes I look at my life as a beautiful puzzle that is slowly coming together. Sure, maybe it's still in disrepair, but it's being fit together into something beautiful.

I have amazing friends. I have a handful of friends in my life who know everything that I try to hide. And guess what? They still want to hang out with me. I still feel their love and their support, and I think that's a lesson to everyone to stop trying to hide.

It's Me Life

Emmaline is...

like a TV whose remote control is stuck.

the girl who will try to cheer you up with shadow puppets.

the girl who remains steadfast when life has kicked her in the head, crushed in her skull and left her gasping on the ground.

These things have been used to describe me, and I'll take them. I wrote a really long time ago about my Tower of Babel existance, about how the theme of my life has been that I spend time building up something for myself, only to have it knocked down for me to build something better. And I'm really ok with that. I'm glad that God has not been pleased with my first, second, or third attempts at building something for myself.

This Tower of Babel existance makes it OK for me to look around at my life sometimes and see that it's in shambles, because that only means that it's time to start building again.

Thoughts on Christmas

So This is Christmas...

My most poignant Christmas memory comes from what for some reason was also my most difficult Christmas. Two years ago I was travelling home after the Christmas Eve services early in the morning. At this point, I was working for the Methodist Church and having to wait until after 9 or so to be finished at church. Then I was traveling home and arriving in North Carolina at about 4 or 5 in the morning.

On one of my stops on the trip, I stopped in a gas station or Wendy's or something. It was probably about one o clock in the morning. As I walked in and saw the people sitting in the booth at a Wendy's I heard the music playing, "So this is Christmas". Yes, this is Christmas.

This year my thinking on Christmas has shifted quite a bit. Not being in a formal church I have missed all the Christmas carols and preparations for the season. In a way this has been fine. I used to work very hard every Christmas to make it feel special. I felt like I needed to feel the magic of Christmas like I did when I was a kid.

Last year, I let it all go. My whole family couldn't be together, and I realized that it wasn't going to be the same. This year, we were all together again. Yes, I know that Christmas is the day the church chose to celebrate the incarnation of Christ, but to me the miracle of Christmas is the joy and peace of families coming together. I celebrate the incarnation every day. Or at least I recognize that I should.

God so loved the world. And He sent Jesus, as a baby, and this baby grew and became a pretty incredible child, and the child grew and became the most amazing man to have ever lived. Fully God and fully Man, loving the sinners and hanging out with the untouchables. He did this to show God's love. This is something to be celebrated every day. We don't know what day He was born, but the fact that He lived is something to celebrate.

I see this year the miracle of a god so loving that He would orchestrate a day for the world to stop. All over the world, this day is different than all other days. There is a month on this secular planet where people think of others and prepare for a day to slow down and enjoy each other.

Christmas will never be the same as it was, but it's not supposed to be. One day, (hopefully), I'll have kids and be able to see the joy and magic of Christmas in their eyes, and the anticipation of this day that feels so different than all other days.

There are Two Kinds of People

I've realized in the last few weeks how vastly different I am from many of the people around me. That's not to say that I'm the only one in the world who acts the way I do, but that things I thought were givens for all of human kind are actually just my personal personality choices. People often say that there are two kinds of people in this world. Here are mine:

There are two kinds of people. Those who take out their frustrations on others and those that don't. I'll call these the Displacers and the Nondisplacers.

You know the old psychology story about displaced anger, the one where the lady has a bad day at work so she comes home and kicks the dog. This is an extreme, but The Displacers are those who let their mood affect their actions. If the Displacer wakes up late, wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, eats a bad briskit, those around him will know it. On the other hand, the Displacer doesn't bottle up his aggresion only to explode in some other unhealthy matter.

The Nondisplacer has the ability to bury his frustrations. He keeps things in perspective and lets things go easily. He is not likely to lash out at an individual unless that individual is actually the one causing him distress.

Are you a D or an N?

There are also the Shovellers and the Revellers.

I wasn't really aware of this until today when my roommates and I became snowed in. "I'm going stir crazy" said my roommate. "Let's build a snowman" I said. You see, I'm a Reveller. I like to enjoy the snow for the beauty that it is. I don't like to see people shovelling their driveways because they are ruining the natural beauty that is a newfallen snow. The Revellers have to get out in it before the Shovellers ruin everything. Even footprints in the snow will upset a Reveller because it ruins the pristine beauty that is the snow.

My roommate on the other hand is a Shoveller. She said she wanted to build a snowman but once outside was all about shovelling her car out. Building a snowman is frivilous. This stretches into other areas, too. Saturdays are about sleeping in for me. She's done a load of laundry, made and cleaned up breakfast, and vacuumed the house before I've even gotten up. I stumble to the bathroom and go back to bed, she's finishing up her ironing and is ready for a nap. She's a Shoveller, I'm a Reveller.

We get out of the storm when we get out of the storm in my eyes. The sun will do its job and there's no need to speed up the process.

In addition, there's the girls who want an industrious guy and the girls who want a sensitive guy. We'll call these the Industrious and the Sensitive.

My roommate and I are also on the opposite ends of the spectrum on this one and I'll give you one guess as to which is which. "Look at that guy building the house on TV. He's so hot", the I would say. "Yeah", the Sensitive might reply, "But he'd be much more attractive if he had a guitar. The Industrious wants a guy who will build, protect, solve problems, and fix. The Sensitive wants a guy who will write, talk, or sing about it.

I'm an NRS. What are you?

It's Me Bucket List

I have been overwhelmed the last couple of days thinking about all of the things I want to do with my life. It started when watching clips from my home theater's production of Hamlet on YouTube. And I thought to myself, "I really want to get into theater again". How!?!? When!?!?!?

So forget all the typical things that take up our time, and that our priorities to us- our faith, our families, our friends, our full time jobs, the day to day relationships that are the most important and fill most of our time. There is a full list outside of these things that I want to pursue. I love TV, I love listening to music, and Facebook, but that's all the stuff that takes up my time now. There's a lot of other things that if I were to focus all the rest of my energy on I could become quite successful at one thing. But I don't know which to focus my energy on, and I doubt that I could focus on just one.

Theater:

I was in three musicals from January 2008-May 2009 after a 4 year stint of not doing any. I used to be in one musical a year as I was growing up, and I love theater. Some of my best relationships here have grown from working on shows together. There's truly no people like show people, and it's amazing to work with such an eclectic group of people towards a common goal. I'd love to do a show again, but now that I'm working full time again, I don't know when I'd have the time. Outside of not having the time after work, there's the late nights that are required and having to get up for work the next morning.

I was even working on writing a musical a few months ago. I really want to focus more time and energy on that.

Running:

Yeah, you read that right. I ran my first 5k on Thanksgiving morning, and I'd really like to keep doing it. I want to reach my goal weight before I turn 30 next year, and that means I've got to lose 10 pounds. By running "for" things, I can help others and get in shape, too. Racing reminds me of my dad, as he used to always cart me around to different races when I was a young teen. It's a great feeling to be there with all those other runners and to complete a 5k. I want to get better at it. I'd like to run further and further distances. I don't know that I could ever be a top finisher, but I'd like to run a whole race without stopping. I want for it to get easier and easier. I've checked out http://www.runwashington.com/ and have found another race or two I'd like to do in the spring. I could be a good runner if I could take the time to do it.

Music:

I spent five years (and other people spent thousands of dollars) investing in my study of music. At one point I at least understood the concept of a Napolean 6th (even though I couldn't hear it to save my life). I get great joy teaching music (especially theory) to the kids I teach guitar to. I've settled in to 4 students, and I wish I could give them more time. I really wanted to take a guitar class at the community college this spring, but I think it will be too much financially and time wise. I want to practice more guitar myself. I want to write music again. I haven't written a full song in a couple of years, which is probably the longest stint I've ever gone without writing since high school.

Photography:

I decided to do something about these interestes this past year and get my feet wet by taking a photography class at a community college. It's amazing everything that I've learned. I was thinking last night about how photography is like driving a car (I tell my guitar kids the same thing about playing guitar). There's so much to remember at one time, and you have to do it a lot before it all becomes second nature. You've got vantage points, and white balance, and exposures and appeture. I'm not where I want to be yet, and I'd like to get better. My friend and I would like to get into wedding photography, and I plan on taking the electronic darkroom class in the spring.

Relationships, Saving the World, Etc.:

These are the things that really matter. How do I become a good friend? A good roommate? How do I balance all of my interests with everyday life? How do I care for the hungry and the poor and maintain my personal relationships? How can I focus on one of these things and not make the others less important? How do I get the most out of Mere Jazz, my book group? How do I put all of myself into work? How do I become a great teacher, a great daughter, a great friend? How and when do I start a family?

What are your ideas? Do I focus certain months or time of the day on my various projects? Do I just dedicate myself to running every morning and writing every night? Do you find yourself in the same position? How did you get through it?